Am I Empathetic or Co-Dependent?

by Kimberly Hill | May 30, 2021 | Blogs, Relationships, Self-Improvement

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez

First, let’s first look at co-dependency.

Co-Dependency

Codependency is defined as “a behavioural condition in a relationship where one person enables another person’s addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement.”

The co-dependent is obsessed with making things right. They lose themselves in this process, and they lack personal boundaries, which are essential for their overall wellbeing.

As a co-dependent, the individual values the approval of others more than they value themselves. 

This often results in lower self-esteem.

Co-dependency is not healthy, and studies show that close to 90% of the American population demonstrates some areas of co-dependency.

“ Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-brake on.

Maxwell Maltz

If the individual you’re in a relationship with does not want to help themselves, despite the words they say, you have to learn to walk away before you destroy your entire life for someone who doesn’t even want your assistance.

Don’t give up all your hopes and dreams to try and save someone who doesn’t want to be saved.

The key here is to understand what is your responsibility and under your control, versus what is not.

Here are a few questions to ask yourself about co-dependency:

1. Are you only happy when your partner is happy?
2. Do you feel upset when your help isn’t effective?
3. Do you feel responsible for your partner?
4. Do you consistently try to please others instead of yourself?
5. Do you quickly abandon your routine to do something for someone else?
6. Do you lose sleep over other people’s problems?
7. Do you tend to make excuses for your partner’s poor behaviour?
8. Do you ignore problems and pretend things aren’t happening?
9. Do you look for happiness outside of yourself?
10. Do you latch on to whomever you think can provide happiness for you?
11. Do you try to prove you are good enough to be loved?
12. Do you look to relationships to provide all your good feelings?

If you have said yes to some or many of these questions, you are showing signs of co-dependency.

Ok, let’s look at empathy.

Empathy

Empathy is the ability to understand the emotional state of another person intuitively. Empaths are highly sensitive to other’s emotional energy, and this allows us to form bonds with other humans.

We can be there to care and show respect and listen non-judgementally. We can see people’s pain and love them for it.

“Empathy is seeing with the eyes of another, listening with the ears of another and feeling with the heart of another.”

Alfred Adler

It also serves a purpose to allow us to regulate our own emotions during a time of stress. For example, we always hear people say “put the shoe on the other foot,” which means we are encouraged to think about how others are feeling, not just ourselves. It’s healthy to explore the different emotional perspectives.

This encourages friendships, love and understanding amongst us.

However, while being empathetic is a positive thing, when we allow others to abuse our kindness does this turn into something unhealthy.

I hope we can make a clear distinction between empathy and co-dependency.

Are you co-dependent or simply empathetic?

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With love,

Kimberly